Wishing you and yours a most joyous holiday and a prosperous, happy and healthy 2008.

It’s All About Delivery™

Well, we’re entering crunch time here at NPI as our SameDay™ delivery date draws nigh. We’ve enjoyed sharing our corporate successes, shenanigans and secrets with you this holiday season, but now it’s time to focus on our core objective, “It’s All About Delivery.” So we’re signing off for the remainder of the season to do just that. Then we’re off for an extended vacation in 2008.

Thank You

Thanks to all who visited and for the many comments, emails, phone calls, links and tweets we’ve received. For those of you who won chocolates and t-shirts—enjoy!

From all of us at North Pole, Inc. to all of you, have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

Cheers,

Kris Kringle, President and CEO of North Pole, Inc.

Kris Kringle ponders what took her so long.

“I am the mother of both Kia Kringle and Cindy Klaus.”

Kris Kringle, President, CEO of North Pole, Inc.
“It’s true, I lied.”

“I discovered I was pregnant with Cindy 29 years ago tonight, just half an hour before my husband, world renowned wildlife photographer Sandy Klaus, left on a polar bear expedition. As he boarded the Polar Express, he pleaded with me not to tell anyone about the baby until he got back. He never returned, and I’ve honored his request…until now. I’m glad this is finally all out in the open,” said Kringle.

“Wassup, Sis?” sniped a wobbly Kia Kringle to Cindy Klaus.

Game Over

During their offsite meeting at Camp Ellesmere earlier this week, NPI CEO Kris Kringle and Vice President of Operations Wallace Nunavik amicably settled their differences over Nunavik’s allegations of unfair employment practices. It turns out Kringle had some allegations of her own; Nunavik falsified information on his resume.

“We’ve known for years that Wally’s degree was not earned at the United State’s prestigious Harvard University. He attended the Harvard Outpost Hyperborea Observatory (HOHO),” Kringle declared.

“It seems so unreal now, but it’s the only way I believed I could get a job at NPI,” explained Nunavik.

“Despite the lies, we’ve taken good care of Wally,” said Kringle, “He’s been making executive-level pay all these years.”

“He what?” cried Cindy Klaus.

In reply to reporter’s questions about the timing of the announcement in the midst of the holiday rush, Kringle borrowed the NPI company tagline, “It’s all about delivery.”

“This new product is so cool it will roast your chestnuts.”

Nathanial Cole, NPI Lead Industrial Designer
Lose Yourself

Tired of the same old place and time? The WiTele transports you elsewhere at the touch of a button. Engineered by Herbert G. Welles, the WiTele repurposes NPI’s proprietary SameDay™ worldwide order and delivery technologies.

iPhone Rendered Old School

Compatible with the iPlanet personal cosmos transport set for release this spring, the WiTele features teleportation, web browsing and personal communication capabilities. It even plays your mp3s.

When you get tired of transporting yourself through the space-time continuum simply turn the WiTele vertically to alter your reality completely.

A holiday bestseller in Kris Kringle signature red.

“Kris made me an offer I couldn’t refuse—reminded me how we used to swim with the fishes and why that’s no longer a viable option.”

Wallace Nunavik, NPI Vice President of Operations
Elles Mere Friends?

Against the advice of NPI counsel, CEO Kris Kringle and Vice President of Operations Wally Nunavik met alone at NPI’s Ellesmere Island camp yesterday to discuss Nunavik’s nepotism claims privately.

Aides cleared Kringle’s schedule so the childhood friends could have the day free to discuss the matter. The location was a familiar one; both families have homes on the island and Kringle and Nunavik summered there together as children.

The two reportedly reached an accord and Kringle quickly dispelled rumors that hush money was involved by stating, “Let’s just say Wally now understands that blood is indeed thicker than ice.”

The parties have agreed to release additional details at a mutually appropriate time.

“They provide a great anaerobic power resource, but the residuals are another matter. It’s a very dirty job.”

Mike Rowman, Manager, NPI Grounds
Over Herd

The reindeer and caribou indigenous to the North Pole have always had their run of the NPI grounds. Over the years it’s kept maintenance crews very busy, and more recently, it’s kept the anaerobic converters humming.

Could Care-a-Boo

Employees barely notice the free range animals. In fact, some even claim to chew the cud with the teeming ruminants.

“Some of my best friends are reindeer,” winked NPI CEO Kris Kringle in a recent Charlie Rose interview.

Leaping to Conclusions

The feeling seems to be mutual. The four-legged denizens often appear to leap with joy when encountering NPI staff. In fact anyone who takes issue with the their preferential treatment is often encouraged to take a flying leap themselves.

“Diamonds, Fragrances, Spirits—the only commodity we can’t harvest from our permafrost is gold. But that will be reconciled at year’s end.”

Rudy DeDeers, NPI, Chief Financial Officer

Diamond and Fragrances and Spirits, Oh My!

After hundreds of years of research and development, North Pole, Inc. is proud to announce three luxurious RedIce products, made from carbon-based crystalline forms found only in the Arctic permafrost.

RedIce Diamonds

Certified brilliant, RedIce Diamonds were formed millions of years ago. The pressure of the permafrost and extremely frigid temperatures creates an incredible tensile strength that ensures these stones lack the imperfections found in diamonds formed from a combination of heat and pressure. RedIce Diamonds are available now at fine jewelers everywhere.

RedIce Perfume

Extracted from the permafrost and exposed to pure, rarefied Arctic air early in the diamond formation process, the carbon crystals are fired at extremely high temperatures to create a liquid, then distilled to produce a clean, invigorating fragrance. RedIce Perfume, naturally infused with pheromones, appeals to both men and women. It joins Klein, Lauren, and Dolce & Gabbana among the elite fragrances of today.

RedIce Wine

Sexy, smooth, and delicious, RedIce Wine is the final 2007 NPI product harvested from permafrost crystals. Extracted, distilled, then fermented, RedIce Wine contains antioxidants and minerals that create a cryogenic effect, temporarily retarding aging. RedIce Wine is produced and bottled by NPI’s Inuit Spirits and Beverage Company, maker of Arctic Noggin.

An age-old NPI acronym has been named 2007 Word of the Year by US lexicographer Merriam-Webster.

A quick visual reference stamped in the margins of NPI logbooks for centuries, woot is an acronym for “want one of those.”

It has apparently come into usage recently outside the NPI vaults and is now widely understood as a simple expression of joy.

Woot!

“The private matters of the Kringle family are just that, no matter how tantalizing, juicy, naughty and irresistible they may be.”

Zachra Vishalam, NPI Public Relations Intern,
Expendable Goods Division
The Juicy Stuff

Wallace Nunavik’s claim that nepotism played a role in the appointment of Cindy Klaus to the role of Executive Vice President is unsubstantiated.

Although initial findings indicate there may be some truth to Mr. Nunavik’s allegations that Ms. Klaus and Kris Kringle are related, that fact would not in itself indicate wrongdoing on behalf of the board.

A special committee has been formed and a call for DNA testing is already on the table. We have no further comment at this time.

Nunavik claims nepotism cost him the NPI Excutive Vice Presidency

“Kris and I were raised together. My father would take us to the floe’s edge where we’d catch fish and snack on sushi. I can’t believe Kris would do this to me.”

Wallace Nunavik, NPI Vice President of Operations

Fishing for Answers

In a hastily assembled press conference this morning, Wallace Nunavik, NPI Vice President of Operations, claims he has proof that Cindy Klaus is actually the daughter of Kris Kringle.

A year ago, Kringle and the NPI board shocked industry insiders by naming 29-year old Klaus to Executive Vice President over the more experienced 40-year old Nunavik.

Nunavik, an Inuit native, put his impressive resume, Harvard business degree, 10 years of NPI seniority, and his reputation on the line with the accusation.

“I was surprised when Cindy handed me a third book from the vault this year,” he said, brandishing a large gilded volume. “Ironically, it turned out to be the genealogical history of the Kringle family.”

Addressing Kringle directly, Nunavik demanded an explanation. “I looked at the book; I know who she is. Now I understand it wasn’t just her magnetic personality that got her the job. I guess blood really is thicker than water, even here, where the water is solid,” he sneered. “So much for childhood friendship.”

A Fishy Answer

The beleaguered Kringle mumbled, “The sushi wasn’t that good; I actually prefer cookies and milk.”

Cindy Klaus did not appear and was not available for comment.

As the pressroom cleared, reporters began speculating on the veracity of the allegations and the idea that Kia Kringle and Cindy Klaus could be sisters.

Triple Cross by Pri Varikut, aka Jim Short, Wallace Nunavik, or James Patterson?

“…of course I borrowed my story lines and characters. That’s what I do; that’s all I do. I’m a sit-com writer.”

Pri Varicut

Crossing the Line?

North Pole bestseller, Triple Cross—A Holiday Mystery, written by Pri Varikut under the alias, “Jim Short,” has some crying plagiarism.

Wallace Nunavik, NPI VP of Operations, claims the story line bears a remarkable similarity to his life, while others are comparing it to New York Times bestseller, Double Cross, by James Patterson.

When asked about the allegations, Varicut, a striking Writers Guild member, replied flatly, “Look, I was offered a commission to write a novel. I’ve never written a novel. I’m out of work and I was under a holiday deadline. I used the techniques and devices I’ve always employed—of course I borrowed my story lines and characters. That’s what I do; that’s all I do. I’m a sit-com writer.”

Which explains the odd and arbitrary [Audience applause] inserted at the end of chapters throughout the book.

NPI continues to sell the book pending more fact finding. Efforts to reach James Patterson for comment were unsuccessful. Nunavik vows to seek restitution, if not legal recourse.

“I will not divulge our fuel compounds any more than Mrs. Fields will tell all to Famous Amos.”

Kris Kringle, NPI President and CEO
Fueling the Fire

A slew of accusations were leveled at NPI this morning as various World Summit factions ambushed NPI CEO Kris Kringle over NPI’s refusal to divulge closely guarded SameDay™ delivery fuel formulas.

Environmental organizations alleged negligence, the World Legal Council called for discovery and disclosure, and competitors threatened action against perceived antitrust and monopoly issues.

“Last week I told a reporter that I didn’t envy Facebook’s public relations nightmare over Beacon’s security and privacy issues. But it’ll take more than this angry mob to make me divulge our fuel formula, or any other proprietary information so closely tied to the success of—and ultimately the public’s belief in—our brand,” a stoic Kringle told reporters on the front snow banks of NPI headquarters.

Firing Back

Kringle used the opportunity to remind competitors FedEx, UPS and DHL that it wasn’t out of the question for NPI to begin offering SameDay™ delivery service 365 days a year.

Cindy Klaus makes a plea for media restraint

“Allegations that Miss Kringle’s presence at the 34th Street Depot indicate her intention to flee authorities are assertions made without factual basis.”

Cindy Klaus, NPI Executive Vice President
The Wildlife

Kia Kringle, daughter of NPI CEO Kris Kringle, was arrested late last night for allegedly nogging a reindeer outside an exclusive North Pole watering hole. Apprehended at the 34th Street Polar Express Rail Depot, the incident marks Kringle’s second run-in with city officials in as many weeks.

Nogging involves rapid and massive consumption of traditional Arctic Noggin, a thick egg and whale milk-based malt beverage, and chasing unsuspecting wildlife through city streets. Noggin is produced by the NPI Inuit Spirits & Bottling Company.

Needed Like a Hole in the Noggin

The Kringle family has asked that details of the matter be kept private until the North Pole authorities investigation is complete.

Encapsulated Happiness

.Think recently compared the iPlanet personal cosmos transport to the Happiness Machine in Bradbury’s Dandelion Wine. However unlike the Happiness Machine, Ayn Randall’s iPlanet delivers a thoroughly self-absorbed social media experience guaranteed to overwhelm—but not too much so.

Advance orders are being accepted now with product scheduled to ship in April of 2008. See a preview of the iPlanet in our Products pages.

Tags: iPlanet, social media

Brrrrr

World Summit attendees remained inside today as all North Pole events and activities were canceled for the second day in a row due to inclement weather.

This setback delays review of the logbooks retrieved from the vault beneath NPI headquarters yesterday by Cindy Klaus.

Tags: weather

NPI snow plows out in force—some engines failing due to brutal conditions

Cold, really cold

The Annual North Pole Summit meetings slated to get underway this morning at NPI’s North American headquarters were canceled due to gale force winds and -43ºC temperatures.

Cool, really cool

Attendees were forced to remain in their guest rooms while NPI workers scrambled to locate enough La Flamme all-weather outerwear for them.

The suits made popular by Kia Kringle, daughter of NPI CEO Kris Kringle, have been in such overwhelming demand worldwide that NPI inventories are severely depleted.

Tags: North American Summit

“It’s an honor to be selected and entrusted with the retrieval of the logbooks from the NPI vault. I’m taking this responsibility quite seriously.”

Cindy Klaus, NPI Executive Vice President

Pomp

Each year, the North Pole, Inc. vaults are opened for several hours so that high-ranking NPI officials may retrieve hard copies of delivery and distribution instructions. Two log books and supporting data will be ceremoniously removed from the vault by NPI Executive Vice President, Cindy Klaus, tomorrow morning in preparation for year-end NOTI (Notice Of Terminated Inclusion) or NIS (Noted Individual, Send) classifications.

The heavily guarded vaults, located deep beneath NPI headquarters, contain everything from NPI’s secret proprietary fuel mixtures to delivery data on 4 billion individuals worldwide. (See photo in Wednesday’s report).

Circumstance

The annual event is equal parts ceremony and symbolism, and signals that preparation for NPI’s coveted SameDay™ worldwide delivery service has been set in motion. The event also marks the beginning of the Annual World Summit held at NPI headquarters each year—which is slated to begin this Saturday.

“Our 200 year aging process spells good old frothy wondrousness.”

Terry Vixen, NPI Inuit Spirits and Bottling Master Beverageer
UPDATE: 2007 Noggin Released Today

A centuries-old North Pole holiday tradition, this year’s Noggin, the exhilaratingly potent egg and whale-milk based malt beverage, is available now through December 24th.

Each pint is aged in NPI polar ice cellars for over 200 years to ensure a heady, thick and frothy perfection that drinks like a meal.

Noggin is produced at the NPI Inuit Spirits and Bottling plant and sold in keepsake Nordic-style Inuit steins.

The NPI vault, accessible only via a labyrinth of underground rivers

“This partnership may be just what we’ve been searching for!”

McCann A. Liszt, NPI CIO

Polar Power

North Pole, Inc. was excited to learn last week that Google is looking for partners in their renewable resource initiative.

Our location inspires many “polar ice melt” hydropower and “methane gas” renewable energy jokes, but I assure you, NPI power plants are not smoke and mirrors; they’re such stuff as dreams are made on.

NPI’s development of solar, anaerobic digestion, and geothermal processes have been well documented over the centuries. But the power required to enable and sustain our SameDay™ worldwide delivery service has led to far more sophisticated renewable resource advancements—the details of which are closely held NPI trade secrets.

Searching for Energy

NPI is willing to offer some of our vast renewable energy knowledge in exchange for a bit of Google’s search engine expertise.

Frankly, we need to improve our search, data query, and value attribution capabilities in determining NOTI (Notice Of Terminated Inclusion) or NIS (Noted Individual, Send) status and delivery compliance. We have several billion people in our database and many of those records are still kept on paper in the NPI corporate vault.

Reconciling it all for year-end deliverables is sapping every ounce of energy we have.

Tags: Google, Renewable energy

“Each morning it seems the corporate grounds are less berg, more sea.”

John Donder, NPI Vice President, Facility Engineering
NPI Red: The New Green

North Pole, Inc.’s (NPI) distinctive red brand turned decidedly green this week as NPI distributed red woolen caps to its 380 million customers worldwide to create awareness about the ever-shrinking polar ice cap encroaching on NPI facilities.

In typical NPI fashion, the 380 million caps were distributed to 65 countries in under 2 hours.

Tags: Green

“I live fast and suffer the media rumor mill for it. So I’m starting my own mill.”

Kris Kringle, North Pole, Inc., President and CEO
Truth Matters

As President and CEO of the world’s premier product development, delivery and distribution company, I find the details of my personal and professional life the object of much speculation.

Both the press and word of mouth (WOM) tales are rife with rumor and disinformation. People don’t know what to believe anymore. I’m launching this blog to provide a true insider perspective on all things NPI.

Sure, we’re looking for positive spin, but I’ve charged our public relations staff with telling the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help them me.

Over the next few weeks, my colleagues and I will publish personal reflections and commentary, as well as our take on breaking NPI news and responses to media issues—bad or good—on a daily basis, so stay tuned.

Tags: Public relations

Hermie, as played by Bart

Partner and visioncaster Bart, aka Chief Twopointo for his ability to see new technologies beyond the horizon, lives a life of tension between his love of all things digital and a longstanding affair with the printed word.

Kris, at play in the media

President and CEO Kris whiles away the day in a snow-capped ivory tower, dreaming up new products and devising ways to distribute them to the deserving masses in the most expeditious manner imaginable.

Marley, as played by Bob

Soccer goalie and all-around big man, Bob left a perfectly good day job 13 years ago to form Brainstorm. The staff, who have drawn a cumulative 74 years of paychecks from the company, thank him for that. (And secretly worry that, like a puppy, he may some day grow into his paws.)

Max, as played by Ed

Raised splitting time between life on the island Nevis (West Indies) and a peninsula on the Great Lakes means Ed’s never fully at ease in Indiana—and he likes it that way. Known for his left inclinations, he instead leans right. Conservative cynic, liberally Christian, conscientious objectivist, surreptitious sinner, blogger. Label-less, if not libelous.

Ralphie, as played by Paul

The always funny Flashmaster Paul, man of perfect pitch and cartoonist extraordinaire (-ist, not -ish), puts good design in motion and brings insane ideas to life.

Tim, as played by, uh, Tim

Web architect, blog builder, and online maintenance guy nonpareil, Tim can be found over-radiated by multiple monitors, dodging blog design update requests. He translates ideas into the real world, even if it’s a virtual real world. He likes to listen to good music real loud.

Zuzu, as played by Barb

Account manager and blog editor, Barb derives her vast knowledge of current events from the Daily Show. Blamed for all office shenanigans, she only instigates most. She dreams of completing her to-do list and one day hosting ESPN’s Sports Center.

Brainstorm
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Suite 400
Indianapolis, Indiana 46256

p. 317.558.1800
e. info@brainstormbrand.com

Leave us a message

No, we’re not affiliated with the jolly fat man, but we’ve got a bunch of gifts to give away this season.

So join the dialog; leave us a greeting by December 21st and you could win a box of Kris Kringle chocolates by Ghyslain, or a B brilliant t-shirt.

Be sure to leave your email address so we can let you know if you’ve won. And don’t worry, we won’t publish it or barrage you with other promotions.

Mistletoe or not, we’re not the kind of people who kiss and tell.

Happy Holidays!

Brainstorm, an Indianapolis-based branding and design firm, has expanded beyond .Think and partnered with North Pole, Inc. this holiday season to bring you this mirthful look at NPI and its larger-than-life CEO, Kris Kringle.

May it bring you joy—
Bart Caylor, Brainstorm partner

“It’s all about Delivery,” said Kringle to a packed house of industry representatives.

NPI Red: The New Green

“It’s all about Delivery,” said Kringle to a packed house of industry representatives.

In an industry coup NorthPole, Inc. appointed Kris Kringle as Chief Executive Officer this afternoon. Kringle’s legendary ability to understand the pulse of the consumer and just-in-time delivery best practices have made him the most sought after executive in retail.

“Diamonds, Fragrances, Spirits—the only commodity we can’t harvest from our permafrost is gold. But that will be reconciled at years end.”

—Rudolph DeDeers, NPI, Chief Financial Officer

Diamonds and Fragrance and Spirits, Oh My!

Carbon-based crystalline forms found only in the Arctic permafrost produce not one but three luxury items. NPI scientists have been harvesting exceptionally brilliant diamonds from the endless permafrost carboiamonds has with an irresistible essence. Turns out centuries of exposure to pure rarefied Arctic air renders the Naturally infused with pheromones, RedIce emanates a clean, invigorating fragrance—appealing to men and women alike. Joining Klein, Chanel and among the elite fragrances Kringle’s RedIce.

In July 2007, British endurance swimmer Lewis Gordon Pugh (x-dictionary:r:’Lewis_Gordon_Pugh’) completed a 1 km swim at the North Pole. His feat, undertaken to highlight the effects of climate change, took place in clear water that had opened up between the ice floes.[18] (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/North_Pole#_note-16)
Fodder for the blog?

Not a day for standing in one place for extended periods of time.

Bad Day to be a Bi-ped

For a second weekend running blizzard conditions and sub -30ºC temperatures have plagued the North Pole region halting all NPI operations and activities for the day. Max and the other contributors at NPI are safe and sound at home roasting their toes by the fire.