“I will not divulge our fuel compounds any more than Mrs. Fields will tell all to Famous Amos.”

Kris Kringle, NPI President and CEO
Fueling the Fire

A slew of accusations were leveled at NPI this morning as various World Summit factions ambushed NPI CEO Kris Kringle over NPI’s refusal to divulge closely guarded SameDay™ delivery fuel formulas.

Environmental organizations alleged negligence, the World Legal Council called for discovery and disclosure, and competitors threatened action against perceived antitrust and monopoly issues.

“Last week I told a reporter that I didn’t envy Facebook’s public relations nightmare over Beacon’s security and privacy issues. But it’ll take more than this angry mob to make me divulge our fuel formula, or any other proprietary information so closely tied to the success of—and ultimately the public’s belief in—our brand,” a stoic Kringle told reporters on the front snow banks of NPI headquarters.

Firing Back

Kringle used the opportunity to remind competitors FedEx, UPS and DHL that it wasn’t out of the question for NPI to begin offering SameDay™ delivery service 365 days a year.

Cindy Klaus makes a plea for media restraint

“Allegations that Miss Kringle’s presence at the 34th Street Depot indicate her intention to flee authorities are assertions made without factual basis.”

Cindy Klaus, NPI Executive Vice President
The Wildlife

Kia Kringle, daughter of NPI CEO Kris Kringle, was arrested late last night for allegedly nogging a reindeer outside an exclusive North Pole watering hole. Apprehended at the 34th Street Polar Express Rail Depot, the incident marks Kringle’s second run-in with city officials in as many weeks.

Nogging involves rapid and massive consumption of traditional Arctic Noggin, a thick egg and whale milk-based malt beverage, and chasing unsuspecting wildlife through city streets. Noggin is produced by the NPI Inuit Spirits & Bottling Company.

Needed Like a Hole in the Noggin

The Kringle family has asked that details of the matter be kept private until the North Pole authorities investigation is complete.

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Brrrrr

World Summit attendees remained inside today as all North Pole events and activities were canceled for the second day in a row due to inclement weather.

This setback delays review of the logbooks retrieved from the vault beneath NPI headquarters yesterday by Cindy Klaus.

NPI snow plows out in force—some engines failing due to brutal conditions

Cold, really cold

The Annual North Pole Summit meetings slated to get underway this morning at NPI’s North American headquarters were canceled due to gale force winds and -43ºC temperatures.

Cool, really cool

Attendees were forced to remain in their guest rooms while NPI workers scrambled to locate enough La Flamme all-weather outerwear for them.

The suits made popular by Kia Kringle, daughter of NPI CEO Kris Kringle, have been in such overwhelming demand worldwide that NPI inventories are severely depleted.