“Diamonds, Fragrances, Spirits—the only commodity we can’t harvest from our permafrost is gold. But that will be reconciled at year’s end.”

Rudy DeDeers, NPI, Chief Financial Officer

Diamond and Fragrances and Spirits, Oh My!

After hundreds of years of research and development, North Pole, Inc. is proud to announce three luxurious RedIce products, made from carbon-based crystalline forms found only in the Arctic permafrost.

RedIce Diamonds

Certified brilliant, RedIce Diamonds were formed millions of years ago. The pressure of the permafrost and extremely frigid temperatures creates an incredible tensile strength that ensures these stones lack the imperfections found in diamonds formed from a combination of heat and pressure. RedIce Diamonds are available now at fine jewelers everywhere.

RedIce Perfume

Extracted from the permafrost and exposed to pure, rarefied Arctic air early in the diamond formation process, the carbon crystals are fired at extremely high temperatures to create a liquid, then distilled to produce a clean, invigorating fragrance. RedIce Perfume, naturally infused with pheromones, appeals to both men and women. It joins Klein, Lauren, and Dolce & Gabbana among the elite fragrances of today.

RedIce Wine

Sexy, smooth, and delicious, RedIce Wine is the final 2007 NPI product harvested from permafrost crystals. Extracted, distilled, then fermented, RedIce Wine contains antioxidants and minerals that create a cryogenic effect, temporarily retarding aging. RedIce Wine is produced and bottled by NPI’s Inuit Spirits and Beverage Company, maker of Arctic Noggin.

An age-old NPI acronym has been named 2007 Word of the Year by US lexicographer Merriam-Webster.

A quick visual reference stamped in the margins of NPI logbooks for centuries, woot is an acronym for “want one of those.”

It has apparently come into usage recently outside the NPI vaults and is now widely understood as a simple expression of joy.

Woot!

“The private matters of the Kringle family are just that, no matter how tantalizing, juicy, naughty and irresistible they may be.”

Zachra Vishalam, NPI Public Relations Intern,
Expendable Goods Division
The Juicy Stuff

Wallace Nunavik’s claim that nepotism played a role in the appointment of Cindy Klaus to the role of Executive Vice President is unsubstantiated.

Although initial findings indicate there may be some truth to Mr. Nunavik’s allegations that Ms. Klaus and Kris Kringle are related, that fact would not in itself indicate wrongdoing on behalf of the board.

A special committee has been formed and a call for DNA testing is already on the table. We have no further comment at this time.

Nunavik claims nepotism cost him the NPI Excutive Vice Presidency

“Kris and I were raised together. My father would take us to the floe’s edge where we’d catch fish and snack on sushi. I can’t believe Kris would do this to me.”

Wallace Nunavik, NPI Vice President of Operations

Fishing for Answers

In a hastily assembled press conference this morning, Wallace Nunavik, NPI Vice President of Operations, claims he has proof that Cindy Klaus is actually the daughter of Kris Kringle.

A year ago, Kringle and the NPI board shocked industry insiders by naming 29-year old Klaus to Executive Vice President over the more experienced 40-year old Nunavik.

Nunavik, an Inuit native, put his impressive resume, Harvard business degree, 10 years of NPI seniority, and his reputation on the line with the accusation.

“I was surprised when Cindy handed me a third book from the vault this year,” he said, brandishing a large gilded volume. “Ironically, it turned out to be the genealogical history of the Kringle family.”

Addressing Kringle directly, Nunavik demanded an explanation. “I looked at the book; I know who she is. Now I understand it wasn’t just her magnetic personality that got her the job. I guess blood really is thicker than water, even here, where the water is solid,” he sneered. “So much for childhood friendship.”

A Fishy Answer

The beleaguered Kringle mumbled, “The sushi wasn’t that good; I actually prefer cookies and milk.”

Cindy Klaus did not appear and was not available for comment.

As the pressroom cleared, reporters began speculating on the veracity of the allegations and the idea that Kia Kringle and Cindy Klaus could be sisters.

Triple Cross by Pri Varikut, aka Jim Short, Wallace Nunavik, or James Patterson?

“…of course I borrowed my story lines and characters. That’s what I do; that’s all I do. I’m a sit-com writer.”

Pri Varicut

Crossing the Line?

North Pole bestseller, Triple Cross—A Holiday Mystery, written by Pri Varikut under the alias, “Jim Short,” has some crying plagiarism.

Wallace Nunavik, NPI VP of Operations, claims the story line bears a remarkable similarity to his life, while others are comparing it to New York Times bestseller, Double Cross, by James Patterson.

When asked about the allegations, Varicut, a striking Writers Guild member, replied flatly, “Look, I was offered a commission to write a novel. I’ve never written a novel. I’m out of work and I was under a holiday deadline. I used the techniques and devices I’ve always employed—of course I borrowed my story lines and characters. That’s what I do; that’s all I do. I’m a sit-com writer.”

Which explains the odd and arbitrary [Audience applause] inserted at the end of chapters throughout the book.

NPI continues to sell the book pending more fact finding. Efforts to reach James Patterson for comment were unsuccessful. Nunavik vows to seek restitution, if not legal recourse.