“This new product is so cool it will roast your chestnuts.”

Nathanial Cole, NPI Lead Industrial Designer
Lose Yourself

Tired of the same old place and time? The WiTele transports you elsewhere at the touch of a button. Engineered by Herbert G. Welles, the WiTele repurposes NPI’s proprietary SameDay™ worldwide order and delivery technologies.

iPhone Rendered Old School

Compatible with the iPlanet personal cosmos transport set for release this spring, the WiTele features teleportation, web browsing and personal communication capabilities. It even plays your mp3s.

When you get tired of transporting yourself through the space-time continuum simply turn the WiTele vertically to alter your reality completely.

A holiday bestseller in Kris Kringle signature red.

“Diamonds, Fragrances, Spirits—the only commodity we can’t harvest from our permafrost is gold. But that will be reconciled at year’s end.”

Rudy DeDeers, NPI, Chief Financial Officer

Diamond and Fragrances and Spirits, Oh My!

After hundreds of years of research and development, North Pole, Inc. is proud to announce three luxurious RedIce products, made from carbon-based crystalline forms found only in the Arctic permafrost.

RedIce Diamonds

Certified brilliant, RedIce Diamonds were formed millions of years ago. The pressure of the permafrost and extremely frigid temperatures creates an incredible tensile strength that ensures these stones lack the imperfections found in diamonds formed from a combination of heat and pressure. RedIce Diamonds are available now at fine jewelers everywhere.

RedIce Perfume

Extracted from the permafrost and exposed to pure, rarefied Arctic air early in the diamond formation process, the carbon crystals are fired at extremely high temperatures to create a liquid, then distilled to produce a clean, invigorating fragrance. RedIce Perfume, naturally infused with pheromones, appeals to both men and women. It joins Klein, Lauren, and Dolce & Gabbana among the elite fragrances of today.

RedIce Wine

Sexy, smooth, and delicious, RedIce Wine is the final 2007 NPI product harvested from permafrost crystals. Extracted, distilled, then fermented, RedIce Wine contains antioxidants and minerals that create a cryogenic effect, temporarily retarding aging. RedIce Wine is produced and bottled by NPI’s Inuit Spirits and Beverage Company, maker of Arctic Noggin.

Nunavik claims nepotism cost him the NPI Excutive Vice Presidency

“Kris and I were raised together. My father would take us to the floe’s edge where we’d catch fish and snack on sushi. I can’t believe Kris would do this to me.”

Wallace Nunavik, NPI Vice President of Operations

Fishing for Answers

In a hastily assembled press conference this morning, Wallace Nunavik, NPI Vice President of Operations, claims he has proof that Cindy Klaus is actually the daughter of Kris Kringle.

A year ago, Kringle and the NPI board shocked industry insiders by naming 29-year old Klaus to Executive Vice President over the more experienced 40-year old Nunavik.

Nunavik, an Inuit native, put his impressive resume, Harvard business degree, 10 years of NPI seniority, and his reputation on the line with the accusation.

“I was surprised when Cindy handed me a third book from the vault this year,” he said, brandishing a large gilded volume. “Ironically, it turned out to be the genealogical history of the Kringle family.”

Addressing Kringle directly, Nunavik demanded an explanation. “I looked at the book; I know who she is. Now I understand it wasn’t just her magnetic personality that got her the job. I guess blood really is thicker than water, even here, where the water is solid,” he sneered. “So much for childhood friendship.”

A Fishy Answer

The beleaguered Kringle mumbled, “The sushi wasn’t that good; I actually prefer cookies and milk.”

Cindy Klaus did not appear and was not available for comment.

As the pressroom cleared, reporters began speculating on the veracity of the allegations and the idea that Kia Kringle and Cindy Klaus could be sisters.

Encapsulated Happiness

.Think recently compared the iPlanet personal cosmos transport to the Happiness Machine in Bradbury’s Dandelion Wine. However unlike the Happiness Machine, Ayn Randall’s iPlanet delivers a thoroughly self-absorbed social media experience guaranteed to overwhelm—but not too much so.

Advance orders are being accepted now with product scheduled to ship in April of 2008. See a preview of the iPlanet in our Products pages.