“Kris made me an offer I couldn’t refuse—reminded me how we used to swim with the fishes and why that’s no longer a viable option.”

Wallace Nunavik, NPI Vice President of Operations
Elles Mere Friends?

Against the advice of NPI counsel, CEO Kris Kringle and Vice President of Operations Wally Nunavik met alone at NPI’s Ellesmere Island camp yesterday to discuss Nunavik’s nepotism claims privately.

Aides cleared Kringle’s schedule so the childhood friends could have the day free to discuss the matter. The location was a familiar one; both families have homes on the island and Kringle and Nunavik summered there together as children.

The two reportedly reached an accord and Kringle quickly dispelled rumors that hush money was involved by stating, “Let’s just say Wally now understands that blood is indeed thicker than ice.”

The parties have agreed to release additional details at a mutually appropriate time.

“They provide a great anaerobic power resource, but the residuals are another matter. It’s a very dirty job.”

Mike Rowman, Manager, NPI Grounds
Over Herd

The reindeer and caribou indigenous to the North Pole have always had their run of the NPI grounds. Over the years it’s kept maintenance crews very busy, and more recently, it’s kept the anaerobic converters humming.

Could Care-a-Boo

Employees barely notice the free range animals. In fact, some even claim to chew the cud with the teeming ruminants.

“Some of my best friends are reindeer,” winked NPI CEO Kris Kringle in a recent Charlie Rose interview.

Leaping to Conclusions

The feeling seems to be mutual. The four-legged denizens often appear to leap with joy when encountering NPI staff. In fact anyone who takes issue with the their preferential treatment is often encouraged to take a flying leap themselves.

“Diamonds, Fragrances, Spirits—the only commodity we can’t harvest from our permafrost is gold. But that will be reconciled at year’s end.”

Rudy DeDeers, NPI, Chief Financial Officer

Diamond and Fragrances and Spirits, Oh My!

After hundreds of years of research and development, North Pole, Inc. is proud to announce three luxurious RedIce products, made from carbon-based crystalline forms found only in the Arctic permafrost.

RedIce Diamonds

Certified brilliant, RedIce Diamonds were formed millions of years ago. The pressure of the permafrost and extremely frigid temperatures creates an incredible tensile strength that ensures these stones lack the imperfections found in diamonds formed from a combination of heat and pressure. RedIce Diamonds are available now at fine jewelers everywhere.

RedIce Perfume

Extracted from the permafrost and exposed to pure, rarefied Arctic air early in the diamond formation process, the carbon crystals are fired at extremely high temperatures to create a liquid, then distilled to produce a clean, invigorating fragrance. RedIce Perfume, naturally infused with pheromones, appeals to both men and women. It joins Klein, Lauren, and Dolce & Gabbana among the elite fragrances of today.

RedIce Wine

Sexy, smooth, and delicious, RedIce Wine is the final 2007 NPI product harvested from permafrost crystals. Extracted, distilled, then fermented, RedIce Wine contains antioxidants and minerals that create a cryogenic effect, temporarily retarding aging. RedIce Wine is produced and bottled by NPI’s Inuit Spirits and Beverage Company, maker of Arctic Noggin.