“The private matters of the Kringle family are just that, no matter how tantalizing, juicy, naughty and irresistible they may be.”

Zachra Vishalam, NPI Public Relations Intern,
Expendable Goods Division
The Juicy Stuff

Wallace Nunavik’s claim that nepotism played a role in the appointment of Cindy Klaus to the role of Executive Vice President is unsubstantiated.

Although initial findings indicate there may be some truth to Mr. Nunavik’s allegations that Ms. Klaus and Kris Kringle are related, that fact would not in itself indicate wrongdoing on behalf of the board.

A special committee has been formed and a call for DNA testing is already on the table. We have no further comment at this time.

Nunavik claims nepotism cost him the NPI Excutive Vice Presidency

“Kris and I were raised together. My father would take us to the floe’s edge where we’d catch fish and snack on sushi. I can’t believe Kris would do this to me.”

Wallace Nunavik, NPI Vice President of Operations

Fishing for Answers

In a hastily assembled press conference this morning, Wallace Nunavik, NPI Vice President of Operations, claims he has proof that Cindy Klaus is actually the daughter of Kris Kringle.

A year ago, Kringle and the NPI board shocked industry insiders by naming 29-year old Klaus to Executive Vice President over the more experienced 40-year old Nunavik.

Nunavik, an Inuit native, put his impressive resume, Harvard business degree, 10 years of NPI seniority, and his reputation on the line with the accusation.

“I was surprised when Cindy handed me a third book from the vault this year,” he said, brandishing a large gilded volume. “Ironically, it turned out to be the genealogical history of the Kringle family.”

Addressing Kringle directly, Nunavik demanded an explanation. “I looked at the book; I know who she is. Now I understand it wasn’t just her magnetic personality that got her the job. I guess blood really is thicker than water, even here, where the water is solid,” he sneered. “So much for childhood friendship.”

A Fishy Answer

The beleaguered Kringle mumbled, “The sushi wasn’t that good; I actually prefer cookies and milk.”

Cindy Klaus did not appear and was not available for comment.

As the pressroom cleared, reporters began speculating on the veracity of the allegations and the idea that Kia Kringle and Cindy Klaus could be sisters.

Triple Cross by Pri Varikut, aka Jim Short, Wallace Nunavik, or James Patterson?

“…of course I borrowed my story lines and characters. That’s what I do; that’s all I do. I’m a sit-com writer.”

Pri Varicut

Crossing the Line?

North Pole bestseller, Triple Cross—A Holiday Mystery, written by Pri Varikut under the alias, “Jim Short,” has some crying plagiarism.

Wallace Nunavik, NPI VP of Operations, claims the story line bears a remarkable similarity to his life, while others are comparing it to New York Times bestseller, Double Cross, by James Patterson.

When asked about the allegations, Varicut, a striking Writers Guild member, replied flatly, “Look, I was offered a commission to write a novel. I’ve never written a novel. I’m out of work and I was under a holiday deadline. I used the techniques and devices I’ve always employed—of course I borrowed my story lines and characters. That’s what I do; that’s all I do. I’m a sit-com writer.”

Which explains the odd and arbitrary [Audience applause] inserted at the end of chapters throughout the book.

NPI continues to sell the book pending more fact finding. Efforts to reach James Patterson for comment were unsuccessful. Nunavik vows to seek restitution, if not legal recourse.

“I will not divulge our fuel compounds any more than Mrs. Fields will tell all to Famous Amos.”

Kris Kringle, NPI President and CEO
Fueling the Fire

A slew of accusations were leveled at NPI this morning as various World Summit factions ambushed NPI CEO Kris Kringle over NPI’s refusal to divulge closely guarded SameDay™ delivery fuel formulas.

Environmental organizations alleged negligence, the World Legal Council called for discovery and disclosure, and competitors threatened action against perceived antitrust and monopoly issues.

“Last week I told a reporter that I didn’t envy Facebook’s public relations nightmare over Beacon’s security and privacy issues. But it’ll take more than this angry mob to make me divulge our fuel formula, or any other proprietary information so closely tied to the success of—and ultimately the public’s belief in—our brand,” a stoic Kringle told reporters on the front snow banks of NPI headquarters.

Firing Back

Kringle used the opportunity to remind competitors FedEx, UPS and DHL that it wasn’t out of the question for NPI to begin offering SameDay™ delivery service 365 days a year.

Cindy Klaus makes a plea for media restraint

“Allegations that Miss Kringle’s presence at the 34th Street Depot indicate her intention to flee authorities are assertions made without factual basis.”

Cindy Klaus, NPI Executive Vice President
The Wildlife

Kia Kringle, daughter of NPI CEO Kris Kringle, was arrested late last night for allegedly nogging a reindeer outside an exclusive North Pole watering hole. Apprehended at the 34th Street Polar Express Rail Depot, the incident marks Kringle’s second run-in with city officials in as many weeks.

Nogging involves rapid and massive consumption of traditional Arctic Noggin, a thick egg and whale milk-based malt beverage, and chasing unsuspecting wildlife through city streets. Noggin is produced by the NPI Inuit Spirits & Bottling Company.

Needed Like a Hole in the Noggin

The Kringle family has asked that details of the matter be kept private until the North Pole authorities investigation is complete.