“They provide a great anaerobic power resource, but the residuals are another matter. It’s a very dirty job.”

Mike Rowman, Manager, NPI Grounds
Over Herd

The reindeer and caribou indigenous to the North Pole have always had their run of the NPI grounds. Over the years it’s kept maintenance crews very busy, and more recently, it’s kept the anaerobic converters humming.

Could Care-a-Boo

Employees barely notice the free range animals. In fact, some even claim to chew the cud with the teeming ruminants.

“Some of my best friends are reindeer,” winked NPI CEO Kris Kringle in a recent Charlie Rose interview.

Leaping to Conclusions

The feeling seems to be mutual. The four-legged denizens often appear to leap with joy when encountering NPI staff. In fact anyone who takes issue with the their preferential treatment is often encouraged to take a flying leap themselves.

“I will not divulge our fuel compounds any more than Mrs. Fields will tell all to Famous Amos.”

Kris Kringle, NPI President and CEO
Fueling the Fire

A slew of accusations were leveled at NPI this morning as various World Summit factions ambushed NPI CEO Kris Kringle over NPI’s refusal to divulge closely guarded SameDay™ delivery fuel formulas.

Environmental organizations alleged negligence, the World Legal Council called for discovery and disclosure, and competitors threatened action against perceived antitrust and monopoly issues.

“Last week I told a reporter that I didn’t envy Facebook’s public relations nightmare over Beacon’s security and privacy issues. But it’ll take more than this angry mob to make me divulge our fuel formula, or any other proprietary information so closely tied to the success of—and ultimately the public’s belief in—our brand,” a stoic Kringle told reporters on the front snow banks of NPI headquarters.

Firing Back

Kringle used the opportunity to remind competitors FedEx, UPS and DHL that it wasn’t out of the question for NPI to begin offering SameDay™ delivery service 365 days a year.

The NPI vault, accessible only via a labyrinth of underground rivers

“This partnership may be just what we’ve been searching for!”

McCann A. Liszt, NPI CIO

Polar Power

North Pole, Inc. was excited to learn last week that Google is looking for partners in their renewable resource initiative.

Our location inspires many “polar ice melt” hydropower and “methane gas” renewable energy jokes, but I assure you, NPI power plants are not smoke and mirrors; they’re such stuff as dreams are made on.

NPI’s development of solar, anaerobic digestion, and geothermal processes have been well documented over the centuries. But the power required to enable and sustain our SameDay™ worldwide delivery service has led to far more sophisticated renewable resource advancements—the details of which are closely held NPI trade secrets.

Searching for Energy

NPI is willing to offer some of our vast renewable energy knowledge in exchange for a bit of Google’s search engine expertise.

Frankly, we need to improve our search, data query, and value attribution capabilities in determining NOTI (Notice Of Terminated Inclusion) or NIS (Noted Individual, Send) status and delivery compliance. We have several billion people in our database and many of those records are still kept on paper in the NPI corporate vault.

Reconciling it all for year-end deliverables is sapping every ounce of energy we have.

“Each morning it seems the corporate grounds are less berg, more sea.”

John Donder, NPI Vice President, Facility Engineering
NPI Red: The New Green

North Pole, Inc.’s (NPI) distinctive red brand turned decidedly green this week as NPI distributed red woolen caps to its 380 million customers worldwide to create awareness about the ever-shrinking polar ice cap encroaching on NPI facilities.

In typical NPI fashion, the 380 million caps were distributed to 65 countries in under 2 hours.